It’s been a year and 9 months since my ex and I split. I’ve long passed the grieving period of losing my best friend and knew well before the final days that the relationship was over. I was about to turn 29 and my career was still on the rise. He was 26 and a racer by nature, not just on the motorcycle course but in life; always in a hurry to finish ahead. Things were good for a while or we wouldn't have stayed together. Without revealing too much discriminating detail, our relationship started off with a lie. Before I knew it I had fallen and found myself stuck between holding on or compromising happiness. How do you react to a confession that is so disturbing it changes your view of a person? I use the word disturbing as my own personal assessment. I was shocked even if others would have dismissed it. Regardless, like most people do for love, I made excuses and put up with far more than any self-respecting person would. Surprisingly, "Racer" changed his ways for a while which helped us carry on and have fun.
After things settled down, we enjoyed the time we spent together and let life progress at a normal pace. We laughed a lot, teased a little and were highly competitive. I had the patience and will to win most battles where he had the strength to conquer others. A year and a half in, his lease was up and we decided he would move into my place. Things were going well and he showed no signs of reverting back to his old behavior. In hindsight, this was not my brightest moment nor the best idea but I regress. Things worked at first, as I took on the laundry and housecleaning and he mastered the lawn and dishes. I despised the dishes almost as much as he hated to do laundry, so we thrived. Times were bumpy like any relationship but there was always that additional strain of not actually being committed...you know, like married. I will never understand why anyone would want to pretend to be married? Even if we discounted it, that’s exactly what we were doing. The topic had been brought up a few times and if I was asked, sadly, I might have said yes. Towards the end though, the little commitment we had left was all that was holding us together. I know during our relationship I was fully committed but could never confidently say he was the same. Plus, big issues which had turned into little issues had grown full scale again. He was not happy and that made me unhappy. I would spend nights wondering if his unhappiness was caused by insecurities he shared with me only once.
He also hated his job and vented a lot. I'd tell him to look elsewhere but he’d spit back that he didn’t have options like myself, due to his lack of a degree. Other fights would stem from me not allowing him to overhaul my house. The garage he could have and I even allowed him to turn one bedroom into his own little playroom but for some reason he continued to push the limits. I'm sorry but NO, I do not want BLACK walls in my house! Man cave or not, that's just awful! Not to mention, the negative effects it would have on my resale value. I most definitely did not want to repaint if that day ever came. Do you know how much work it would take to cover black? Needless to say, he never won those arguments because in the end the house was mine and there was no ring on my finger. The house was the one thing that kept me independently secure. If we split I would still be ok and I think that bothered him. My home would never be our home until a real commitment came into play. No offense to him or anyone else with a difference of opinion but honestly mine is the only one that counts in the matter.
So eventually things began to get worse. Oddly enough, it left me clearheaded and goal driven. The end was inevitable but I guess I was waiting for something to release me from the loyal hold I’d had on our relationship. Yeap, that’s me, the loyal, every pleasing girlfriend, positively hoping life would revert back to pre-damning confession days. Life would have been grand with my best friend. Life was grand when he was around but that only lasted so long. To my surprise, so did my support and loyalty. I’m pretty sure I remember the exact moment I not only said “I’m done” but I felt it too. I always cared too
much and loved too hard. I would have done anything for him and I did for 3 long years. I’d be lying if the thought didn’t leave me sad and discouraged. I hope to never hear the phrase “you’ll make a great wife one day” again. I think that phrase has jinxed me! But at that very moment, I didn’t care and that’s when I knew, I was free.
It was a fairly clean breakup but he moved out in drastically swift fashion; yes, swift as in Taylor Swift. We all know how fast that girl gets in and out of relationships. It was only a matter of time before someone turned her into an adjective!
I could tell Racer took it pretty hard at first. Everyone knows it only takes a week of being single to bring back all the best memories. For me though, even the best of memories couldn’t lure me back. It was over and I had completely disconnected myself from any thought of a future. This only made the aftermath harder to bear. I tried to be respectful but stern. Past experience has shown me the results of being nice. Never leave hope in words that hold no intent. People will read into anything positive you emit, including a smile. Show teeth and you’re guaranteed a level 5 stalker for at least three more week. Be brutal up front so you don’t turn callous and short tempered later. I can assure you, After the 20th phone call you will likely lose all empathy and answer just to hang up. If you’re wicked like me a small smile might form while doing so. Don’t you judge me, we’ve all been there and most are guilty of the stalking ourselves! I have no shame in admitting the truth.
On my 29th birthday I was back to living alone and adjusting to my new lifestyle. All these changes forced old break ups back into my mind. It was refreshing and sobering all at the same time. My twenties seems to be full of heartache and disappointment but I was determined to enjoy my last year. Obviously, it was nice not reporting to anyone again, not that I had much to report. My life has always been pretty laid back, even in college. Before this break I really hadn’t been much part of the dating scene. Simply put, I’d meet a guy through school or mutual friends and we would date. I’m almost certain I long-term dated every guy I had a first date with up til this point. Silly little small town girl, I seriously thought this would always be the way of the dating world for me. HA!
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